late night musing

i:  my friends talk about their parents living in somalia, i never relate to them. my parents they never met in somalia, they were both gone long before the war. they met here, dated for a while, got married, waited for a while then had me. they speak of war in somalia and i never understand because no one in my family experienced it. i never heard first hand stories, other than the ones i read. majority my family members were all over the world before the war for work, business, education, travels/exploring, etc. and those who were in somalia were living a good life. when i spoke to my grandparents and older relatives about home and how it was, they painted a beautiful picture to me. even though as i got older is seen pictures of a ‘destroyed’ somalia, it was never that to me. it was always a beautiful place. it was always a paradise on earth for me. one i have been longing for and missing, even though i have never been.

ii: i realized it is hard for me to relate to a lot of my somali girlfriends. i was speaking with one of my friends today about the role a lot of somali women play and what will be future for us. for her she kept telling me that she believes she can do a lot but probably will just follow the footsteps of women in her family…being a housewife and mother. she grew up with her mother never working, her grandmother not working etc. from the somali women i have seen, they are the strongest women i have ever come across. in particular the woman in my family. i grew up in a matriarch family. my mother is the head of our family, as my grandmother was of hers, as my aunts are of theirs. my girlfriends tease me for being aggressive sometimes, which i hate. i am not aggressive and being ‘too manly’. who said a man is the only person to be strong enough to lead a family to success? they act like it is hard for women to work and have a career and raise a family. it is a lot of back breaking work but is work that can be done. i have seen all the women in my family do it. i can do it. i know i can. it is in my blood.

iii: my grandfathers taught me the importance health. both are in their 70s and look and feel like they are 40. “eat healthy, stay active and enjoy nature” is what they tell me. i am blessed to speak to one of my grandfathers every single night, and the other every weekend. i am thankful that they took the time to take care of their bodies while they were young so i can have them now. i hope and plan to do the same.

iv: my great-grandmother taught me inner peace. taught me how to have faith. how to believe and how to stay grounded…all alone. she would say “you are never alone if have Him”. Allah is my best friend, with Him I am never alone. she spoke those words almost 11 years ago, and now I feel and understand them. my Light would recite Allah’s beautiful words 24/7. her smile was a reflection of His beauty, her heart was a reflection of His mercy, her hands was a reflection of His strength. she was beautiful, and it was Him who has blessed her with it.

v: my mother taught me all about love tonight as she combed my hair like i was 7 again. it is not real until your mother shares the story of when your father broke her heart. it is not real until she shares the feelings you were to young to understand when she was on her own..and what she was feeling when she took that man back. my mother’s love story has become a lesson to me. i get why she is hard on me now when it comes to the men i have in my life. a strong and damaged woman is my protector.

vi: my father may have not taught me about love or peace, but he has taught me about hard work. the ethics of working and the responsibilities that come with it. the money may be good, but i will never let it change me.

vii: i am a collection of broken hearts, strong minds, pure hearts, tired hands and feet. i am a collection of poets, storytellers, artists, farmers, nomads and matriarchs. i am a collection of my family and my veins tell their story. i am more than what i tell you. everyday i am discovering more and more about myself. what came before me is what i am. their past is my future.

viii: i am a human. i make mistakes and Allah is the Most Merciful. Allah is the Most Merciful.

ix: i am confused but i am sure.

x: i am a daughter of the diaspora. a lover. a muser. a dreamer. believer. i am many more. i am more than what you see.

xi: i will make you proud and take care of you.

xii: even though i do not say it, i love you. i love you all. thank you.